Man: Wanted: Chapter Seven - Part Four

Steve invited me in and we chatted about rugby for half an hour before I got started. Now that I was Geoff again I found it riveting obviously but I was dismayed to realise that relevant sporting facts were rising into my mind as I needed them; data from a lifetime of loving the sport. I had detailed knowledge of games and players stretching back years and found I had a mature knowledge of the intricacies of play as well; the importance of strategy.

He fetched me a beer from the fridge and I reflected on what I was doing – interacting with this bloke exactly as if I had always been a bloke as well. But I was loving it. I loved rugger and it was awesome having a good old chinwag about it. There was a little part of me that was anxious about this, crying out again that it was all going too far; but there was little real urgency to it. I’d gone through this. I’d already wasted my time resisting. As long as I’d made the decision to put the ring on, it was only logical to follow through with the other aspects of that. Why do it if I wasn’t going to enjoy it? Probably I’d take it off again later but why ruin a perfectly good conversation by being overly analytical?

I cracked open the beer Steve brought through then said, “I’d better get on and look at this boiler of yours.”

It didn’t take long to find the problem. Of the possible issues I’d expected it was one of three that would require an extra part. I explained this to Steve, got back in the van and nipped down to Plumbing and Boilers, the trade stockist across town on the Dairystoke industrial estate. It didn’t take me long. Rush hour was still a good way off.

When I got back to Steve’s he left me to it and I got to work. It required me to take the thing down off the wall so it was a fairly big job. I didn’t fuss or worry. Now that I’d developed these new memories it was even easier than it had been with the plastering. Not only did I have the instinctual knowledge; I also had the context. I kept thinking to myself things like, Ah yeah. This is like that job I did for that Arab bloke, or I’ve gotta be careful here or else it’ll crack like it did that time on Christmas Eve.

I knew I should be freaked out; even fearful; but it was all so natural. Although I knew I had really been a woman all my life there were no memories in my head of that to contradict what I was doing and none of my feminine proclivities. I’d been doing this kind of thing all my adult life – my memories told me so.

When I was done I refused the second beer Steve offered and he gave me the cash we’d agreed on. We shook hands and I left, whistling under my breath.

I got back in the van and grinned to myself. I’d really enjoyed that. It was great being so handy and knowledgeable; great doing a good afternoon’s work for some well-earned dosh, and great to get a second job in; to start to build up the word-of-mouth I would need to get my business off the ground.

That part of me was still there, terrified about what was happening to me; telling me that I was losing myself to this; that my entire decision-making ability was being corrupted by these manly desires and memories; that I might not be capable of choosing to go back if I let it run too far along its course.

But to be honest I already felt a bit like that. What man would want to be a woman really? I remembered being with dozens of birds and they were all flighty high-maintenance messes. Pretty enough yeah; but actually being like that myself? I shook my head.

Intellectually I knew that I should respect the wishes of my “true” female self but on the other hand, the memories filling my head now told me exactly which self of mine was true... now. And Billy had known me too. I existed as Geoff as fully right now as I ever had as Alison; more so if anything.

I fired up the engine and considered my options.

Go home and change back into Alison – probably get accosted by Billy...

Or stay out longer. See Sangeeta. Remain a man.

It wasn’t a difficult decision.

I got my phone out and dialled her number.

Sangeeta picked up only after an unusually long time and didn’t speak right away.

“Hey. Sangeeta?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

I sighed, angry at my softer side for causing this mess and wishing I hadn’t put her off earlier; that I’d called her straight back. “I was wondering... Look, Alison told me what she said to you and I don’t think she explained it the right way.”

Silence. Then, “Go on...”

“Can we meet up? I’d rather do this face to face.”

“Over the phone is better for me. I’m not sure how busy I’m going to be later.”

“Okay. Sure.” I gathered my thoughts, wondering if I should just go down there. “Look, I really like... spending time with you Sangeeta. But I guess... I’m not sure I’m ready for...”

“Spit it out.”

I chuckled. “Okay here it is. I really like you and I like being with you. I don’t know where it’s going and I don’t know if I can commit to anything long term, even though I want to. But I don’t care about that. Like you said the other night; I don’t want to worry about it. I just want to see you and see where it goes. Even if it isn’t going anywhere.”

There was a long silence. I ached to fill it but I restrained myself.

“Every time I see you, you pull away Geoff. How do I know you won’t do it again?”

Even though she couldn’t see it, I shrugged. I honestly didn’t know what I was doing long term. I just didn’t want to think about that right now. “Let me cook you dinner tonight,” I said. “Candlelight, wine, chocolate desert: the whole thing.”

“At your place? Will Alison be there?”

“Er... no. Alison will definitely not be here.”

She hesitated again, then said, “Okay Geoff. I can be there by seven. But this is it now. Either it works out or it doesn’t. If you pull away again then we’re done. Is that clear? I’ve got too many bad things in my life right now to have my heart banged up as well.”

I paused for a moment and then I said, “Fair enough.”