Man: Wanted: Chapter Seven - Part Twelve

When I got outside, I was so busy thinking about what I might say to Billy that I didn’t see the person on the drive until I walked right into him.

“Oh, sorry,” I blurted, then I looked up into his face and scowled. “Rasheed? What are you doing here?”

He towered over me and his own face was curled into a grimace of anger. “I came here to find Sangeeta, and to tell you and your brother exactly what I thought of you.”

“Get out of my way,” I snapped, pushing him in the shoulder; but the action enraged him and he grabbed my upper arms tightly.

“It’s your fault things aren’t working out for Sangeeta and me – you and that brother of yours. You keep whispering in her ear that I’m not right for her. If it wasn’t for you we could have been spending all this time together. We could have been falling in love.” He shook me and I gaped at him helplessly in alarm. He was far bigger than me and maybe one and a half times my mass.

“Why do you have to interfere?” he demanded. “Why can’t you mind your own business?”

“Let go of me!”

“Bloody English! It’s nothing to do with you! We’re Indian. It’s all been arranged. If you could just keep your little mouth shut then we could be happy together. I could make her happy!”

“Get off me. You’re hurting.”

He shook me again, harder. “I’m sick of all you English, thinking your ways are better than ours; corrupting the way people think; tricking them into thinking English ways are better! Why can’t you stop interfering?”

“Let go of me. Please. You’re hurting me!”

“I wish I could hurt you,” he said, thrusting his face into mine, forcing my head back. “Perhaps then you would understand how important this is to me!”

He shook me again, even harder, rocking my head back and forth. I was getting dizzy, terrified of what he might do and in a panic, my hands searched desperately for the open top of my bag.

Rasheed took hold of my face in his strong hand, yanking me forward by my upper arm. “You have to learn to respect other people’s cultures. You have to learn to respect men. None of you English whores do.”

“Respect you?” I said, sliding the ring on my finger. “I don’t even like you.”

The first flash came, dazzling him, and his grip loosened.

I felt my form swell; my chest broadening; my height shooting up, then the second flash came, blinding him and breaking his grasp as he staggered back.

I batted his clutching hands away with big muscular arms.

Then the third flash came and I cracked my fist up into Rasheed’s chin, knocking him back.

 He gaped at me in wonder and alarm.

“How does it feel to pick on somebody your own size, you idiot? Huh?” I grabbed a fistful of shirt just under his neck. “How do you like it when you meet someone big enough to give you what you deserve?”

I smacked him one hard on the cheek, whipping his head away, then stepped in to follow up and roundhoused a smacker into the other side of his head sending him sprawling to the floor.

“Now stay the hell away from me,” I said, “and stay the hell away from Sangeeta. If she wants to be with you she’ll come to you. And she doesn’t want you. Alright?”

He glared up at me, nursing his face, confusion and hurt blazoned across his features. Then we both heard something that jerked our attention back toward the house.

“Geoff?”

I turned to face her. Sangeeta was on the step outside the front door, staring at the two of us. And I realised with a pummelling in my gut that she hadn’t just appeared. She’d heard the shouting through the open door.

She’d seen everything. I could tell by the look in her eyes.

I looked back at Rasheed. He’d seen it too, despite the flickers of light. The incredulity was evident.

“Geoff...” Sangeeta went down a step as though she might come to me but stopped there, wavering. “I saw... Geoff. What was that?”

I shook my head, backing away.

“Geoff, wait. Tell me what that was. I saw Alison. You were Alison.”

“I can’t,” I stammered. “I have to go.”

I went to the van, fumbling for the keys in my pocket.

Sangeeta was down on the bottom step now. She was coming toward me. Rasheed was staggering to his feet.

I turned the key in the ignition. The engine bucked and roared.

Sangeeta was at the side of the van. She was calling my name.

But I didn’t listen to her. I stuck the gearstick in reverse and backed sharply off the drive and onto the road.

Sangeeta came after me, down to the edge of the pavement, still calling my name as Rasheed stood behind her.

Then I was gone, blasting down the road, leaving only chaos and confusion in my wake.

Man: Wanted: Chapter Seven - Part Eleven

I went into the bathroom and locked the door.

My mind was all over the place. The strange detached memories intermingled with the true Alison emotional responses was throwing my equilibrium off. I didn’t know what to think or feel. I couldn’t handle it.

I snatched at the ring, ignoring the imperative to keep it on and pulled at it hard, ripping it up to the first joint. The fizzing started, then an intense pain followed that ran all the way up my arm. Doubt came in response to it but I pulled harder anyway, ignoring it. I had to think straight for a minute, I had to be myself. Seeing Billy had brought my inner self close enough to the surface to exert sufficient momentum to pull it off, and I did. I yanked the ring clear and tossed it onto the sink then shuddered and shuddered again as the flashes started.

I closed my eyes tightly and fell forward, grabbing for the edges of the porcelain. My back arched then my head lolled. Every muscle in my body strained. And then the last flash came and I was myself again; panting against the sink, trying to gather myself

It wasn’t like the other times when I’d changed back, with my masculine traits carrying over. The impact of Billy’s visit had churned my insides up enough to bring me right back to fore straight away. I fell back, bashed against the wall then slumped onto the edge of the bath; raised my head to look at my reflection.

My pretty woman’s face looked back at me, and seeing it brought a rush of Alison-memories; the corresponding pieces of the tale I'd just told Sangeeta. But these weren’t the objective memories of a concerned brother. These were the intense personal feelings for a potent love that had consumed everything around me and then suddenly burned away, leaving me cold and alone.

I didn’t get the memories in a natural progression as I normally would have. They pummelled me; overriding all sense of self for several minutes: the passion and desire; the laughter and love... and then the bitterness and regret; the abject need and total sense of loss.

I hadn’t allowed myself to even think about Billy for months because I had known how dismal the hole was that I’d plunge into if I did. I had longed for him to come to me and say the words he said tonight. I had yearned for it more than I had ever yearned for anything.

That he admitted some fault. That he was willing to put the difficult days behind us and start rebuilding. That he missed and loved me. Everything I'd ever wanted in a human being and that I’d lost, here again, offering everything to me.

But I thought of Sangeeta and a kind of despair crept over me. I could almost touch the bliss I'd felt with her in my arms earlier. And the feelings we had for one another were so different from those I’d had with Billy. Not as intense but... comfortable. It made me think of my grandparents and the love they had shared.

“Oh God,” I whispered. I didn’t know what to do.

I hung my head down to my knees and sat like that for several minutes, trying to think. Then I felt something odd and narrowed my eyes.

I sat up and looked down at my legs in the pedal pushers I’d put on that morning. Then I put my hands to my crotch and my eyes went wide.

“Oh no.”

I jumped up and stood in front of the mirror, then I snatched at the front of my pedal pushers and pulled them open tent-like; grabbed at the front of my panties.

I still had Geoff’s cock.

“God, no.” I gaped at it for a moment then I reached in and tentatively touched it.

It was real. It was a man’s cock and leading up from the pubes was a trail of hair that made its way up toward my belly button before petering out.

“Oh shit,” I whispered. “Oh shit me.”

It wasn’t a game of dress up anymore. It wasn’t me slipping on a man’s body for a couple of hours to get some chores done or to have a bit of fun and get away from my problems. This was really happening. It was really changing me, maybe permanently.

I realised then that I hadn’t been totally connected to what was happening to me. I was riding the lightning; letting it take me away from the loneliness and loss and the feelings of inadequacy I had facing the prospect of doing up the house; of making something of my battered career.

I hadn’t allowed myself to really consider the true ramifications of all this. Of course I hadn’t. Why else would I have put on the ring that second time?

But here were the ramifications, staring me right in the face. Here was my future if I wasn’t careful.

“I have to get out of here,” I murmured. “I have to get the hell out of this place.”

I put the king dong away and went to the door, listened, conscious of Sangeeta downstairs. I had no way to explain my sudden reappearance and Geoff’s vanishing act, but I couldn’t turn back now or ever again. I had to get out. I had to think things through. If I turned back now I might never manage to get the ring off again and by the time I did it might have changed me even more.

I could only hope that staying a woman for a day or two would reverse the physical changes and put me back how I was meant to be.

I thought of Billy and of the name of that pub he was staying in and got the urgent need to go there right away. I’d been drinking but the change back seemed to have stripped away much of the inebriation. I felt clear-headed, though wired and edgy; slightly out of control.

At the top of the stairs I halted, looking down. If I could just slip out without being seen...

I started down, but at the half way point where the stairs flattened, Sangeeta stepped out of the lounge doorway and looked straight up at me, disarmed by my sudden appearance.

“Oh! Alison. I didn’t realise you were in. When did you get back?”

I halted, caught in the act, then went on down. “Not long ago,” I said. “I didn’t want to disturb you two so I went straight upstairs.”

“Where is Geoff? Did he tell you your ex-husband called round?”

I stopped on the third step from the bottom. “Yeah. He... He did. That’s why I’m going out.” I passed her and went towards the door.

“Are you going to go after him? I know the name of his hotel. It isn’t far from my place.”

“Geoff told me,” I said. “The Old Squire.”

“That’s it.”

“Are you going to go and see him?”

I looked back at her then gave a brief nod. “I think so.”

“Well be careful Ali,” replied Sangeeta. “Geoff told me a little bit about it and... just look after your heart. You’ve only got the one.”

I smiled at her and nodded then I went out, not even bothering to close it behind me.

Man: Wanted: Chapter Seven - Part Ten

It was Sangeeta who closed the front door in the end. I was too busy looking stunned; running Billy’s words back through my mind.

“You okay?” she said. “You look kind of put out.”

“Huh?”

“I didn’t realise your sister was married.”

“What? Who?”

“Alison. Your sister.” She smiled. “I didn’t know she was married. And to such a dishy guy.” She laughed. “Though a little bit slim and arty for my tastes. He looks like he might break in bed.” She gripped two fistfuls of my shirt, front and back, level with my belly button. “Not like my man.”

I broke off, feeling distracted, my mind elsewhere.

“Hey,” she said. “Are you alright?” I didn’t turn to face her and she came to my side. “Geoff? Are you alright?”

“Huh? Yeah. I guess. I’m fine.” I walked into the kitchen and she followed. “I got some blue Stilton and biscuits for afters and I have some port. Do you want some?”

“Okay. Yeah. Why not?”

She was watching me as I got the items together; gauging me. We went back through to the lounge and sat down, this time me on the armchair, her on the corner of the sofa. I poured us two dainty glasses full of port and cracked open the biscuits and cheese. We started helping ourselves but Sangeeta kept watch on me. I could feel her eyes but my own thoughts weren’t on where I was or what we were doing. I couldn’t stop thinking about Billy.

“Tell me about him,” said Sangeeta. “What happened between those two?”

“Billy?”

“And Alison.”

I looked off, casting my mind back, and realised that the memories I had of that back-story was in the third person. I didn’t have the Alison memories that tied me intimately to the chain of events. Instead I had memories of conversations after the fact; snippets of tales of the good times and bad times of “my sister.” Those memories tied me into the role of passive observer but seeing Billy again had still brought back the pain and yearning of my real subsumed emotions. It was contradictory and difficult to reconcile, but I found myself talking nonetheless.

“They were really in love. But like comets, you know? It was all fire and passion and spontaneity; sudden trips to Paris or Egypt; champagne cocktails on the beach in Thailand. But...”

“But?”

I shrugged. “Alison loved him like he was... a drug she was hooked on. With this... desperation. Like she couldn’t breathe without him there. It was... It was sort of inspiring, but it was also...”

“Creepy?”

“No. Not creepy. It was just so intense. And we all... everybody thought it would burn out in a couple of months. But they got married. Spontaneously of course. In Edinburgh. Nobody else there; just the two of them.”

“It’s romantic.”

“Yeah. It was.” I gazed off for a while.

“And then did it burn out?”

“No. It just went on burning hot. For months. And then a year. And then two.”

“But something went wrong. It must have.”

“Yeah,” I said. “I don’t... remember all the details now; but Billy was self-absorbed and selfish and he was fine when things were going his way. But he... got made redundant from his high flying job and all these cracks were there underneath them suddenly that they hadn’t noticed ‘cause they were moving so fast.

“Suddenly they couldn’t hop on a plane to Milan anymore and... Alison’s dressmaking business wasn’t bringing in much of anything. They were this pair of star-crossed lovers suddenly stuck in an episode of Eastenders set in the arse end of Coventry.”

“They got a divorce?” asked Sangeeta.

“No. Separated. His idea.”

“She wanted to stay with him?”

I nodded. “He acted like a real tosser, but she... She would have forgiven him anything. And she kept hoping he would admit some fault; work on sorting things out; rebuild their lives together.”

“Are you okay?” She touched my arm. “You look like you’re the one it happened to.”

“Huh?” I shook my head. “Sorry. I just need a minute. Do you mind?” I got up, leaving her seated. “I just need a minute to think.”

I went to the doorway, paused to look back at her, then climbed the stairs.

Man: Wanted: Chapter Seven - Part Nine

Sangeeta jerked slightly. That’s what woke me.

I cracked my eyes open a little then closed them again.

“Did you hear that?” she asked.

“Mmm?”

“What time is it?”

I checked my watch. “After nine.”

“I think I heard the door.”

She shifted again. We both listened. When it went a second time we both heard it got up to a sitting position. I scratched the back of my head with both hands and yawned. We didn’t say any more, simply made eye contact, smiled and kissed.

I got up. “I’ll just be a minute. Pour another glass of wine each.”

She nodded and I went through to the hall. Half way to the door, my mind woke up enough to consider who it might be and then a jolt of adrenaline followed it that wiped the rest of my sleep away. I didn’t need to open it. I knew who it was going to be.

I considered keeping it closed; pretending we weren’t in; but that wouldn’t end it. He’d come back. And I couldn’t run away. I had to confront this and find out what he wanted. I wavered at the door, wondering if I should turn back into Alison so that the meeting could play out as it had to. He wouldn’t be satisfied with my male self if he’d come to see her. But despite the difficulty this could cause with Sangeeta present, I quailed at the idea of turning back into a woman. I couldn’t abide the idea of that; to relinquish this body I loved to become a sleight creature of muddled femininity. My fingers didn’t return to the ring. Instead I opened the door and stepped into the frame.

Billy was there, exactly as I’d expected, looking handsome and well-dressed as always, though taken aback slightly by seeing me answer the door again. He recovered immediately from his disappointment and said, “Hi Geoff. Sorry to break up your evening. I was hoping to catch Alison. Is she in?”

This time seeing him, I wasn’t as bowled over. The female instincts didn’t overwhelm me and undermine my confidence. If anything I felt slightly hostile; protective even. I leaned again the doorway. “No. She isn’t here.”

“Oh. Okay. That’s a shame. When will she be back?”

“What’s this about?”

Billy picked up on the shift in my demeanour. “I was hoping to talk to her. We have some things we need to discuss.”

“You could ring her.”

He flashed a smile. “I think she barred my number.”

“Well I’m not sure where she is and she might be back very late.”

“Oh-kay. Well... I’m staying at the top of town in Breton. In a pub with bed & breakfast. The Old Squire. You know it?”

I didn’t respond. Behind me, Sangeeta had come into the hall. Billy spotted her past me and gave a wave. “Hi. I’m Billy.”

I sidestepped sufficiently to open up the view. She said, “Sangeeta.”

“Pleased to meet you. I’m here for Alison. She’s my wife.”

“Really?”

“Uh huh.”

I sidestepped again, blocking the view through intentionally. “Look, what’s this about Billy? Why are you here? What do you want to talk to Alison about?”

He flashed his smile again. “Well I was hoping to talk to her first directly before I... Okay. If you want you can give her a message from me. Just tell her...” He thought about it for a moment. “Just tell her that I’m sorry and she was right. Entirely right about everything. I love her and I’ve always loved her and I realised that I can’t live without her. If she’ll have me then I want to try and win her back. I’m not worthy of her love but I want to be, and I’ll do anything I can to make things right.”

I gaped back at him, all words gone. While he’d spoken, the entirely masculine side of me that had sceptically answered the door was gone, replaced by the desperately yearning Alison me; emerged from the gloom of my psyche. This was everything I had ever wanted to hear from him and now here he was saying it to me and I was in the wrong body. I was the wrong self.

He stepped back and gave a little nod of his head. “Will you tell her that for me?”

I didn’t respond again.

“The Old Squire. In Breton; just off the Narrows. I’ll be there tonight and tomorrow night and every night until I get to see her.” He smiled. “I messed up and all I can do now is try to make it right.”

He gave a brief theatrical bow then withdrew and I stared after him, unable to believe my ears, but realising that this changed everything.

Man: Wanted: Chapter Seven - Part Eight

We drifted off to sleep like that and I slowly came awake some time later, Sangeeta still fast asleep against my chest, her hand resting softly on my shoulder.

I didn’t move. Instead I took stock of our positions and the pleasant comfort of it. I had no compulsion to untangle myself. Instead I continued to sit, gently stroking her bare arm and her head, thinking I couldn’t be more content than I was at that moment.

After perhaps five more minutes went by, Sangeeta stirred against me. I went on stroking her and very gradually I felt her come to a drowsy half waking. She shifted, raising her head to show me her sleepy smiling face and murmured, “Mmm. This is nice.”

She snuggled against me again, gripping me tighter for a moment then relaxing into me, and we stayed there again until I slip her hand under my shirt and around my ribs. The drowsiness and the inebriation coupled with this motion into the most delightful warming arousal. She caressed my stomach and sides with her fingers and then lifted her head again until our lips met. We kissed in a perfect drowsy union and she undid one button after another down the front of my shirt. The kiss went on and on and on, one moment open mouthed, the next closed, our tongues meeting and then drawing apart.

I fondled her smooth shoulders and arms as she unbuttoned my jeans and slid them down around my knees, lifting her dress and repositioning herself.

The kiss barely ceased. If it broke we returned to one another immediately. The wine and the sleep had taken me into an altered level of consciousness.  It was dreamlike, what we were doing; just two lovers joined and questing to be joined still further.

Sangeeta reached between her legs, straddling me now, her bare knees raised high and for a second she grazed my cock with her fingertips. Then it slipped inside her and she leant against me, my arms going back round her of their own accord.

We didn’t pump. We rocked. There was no urgency this time; no desperate need. It was the embrace that meant everything, and that beautiful ongoing kiss, but the sexual arousal was like a warm cloud enveloping us; closing off the greater room and the house and the town and the world.

We rocked and we shifted, sometimes caressing one another, sometimes just cuddling. It went on and on and on and on and the pleasure only increased. That loss of self; the merging of two people: that only increased. There was no thought. There wasn’t even passion. It was juts warmth and affection and comforting pleasure. It was the most profound connection I'd ever felt. It felt like it could never end.

When the climax came it wasn’t an explosion of sweat and activity. It was just pleasure, rising without end and a dissolution of any sense of self, like our bodies were vapour, intermingled.

It rose and rose and rose until it was beyond anything I had ever imagined I could feel, then in a silent surge of bliss it wiped out all last vestiges of consciousness and we became one in this perfect clench of affection.

But even then it didn’t end for the pleasure went on; subsiding gently but continuing. And ever so slowly the ecstasy of that coupling became merged with the simple contentment of the ongoing embrace.

We shifted again, lying stretched now along the sofa, Sangeeta’s back to me, her form pressing against mine. I enfolded her again in my arms and we drifted once more, letting the drowsiness overtake us again.

I wanted to go on stroking the tender skin of her arms but my body wouldn’t do as I commanded. The sleep was overtaking me again.

I closed my eyes for a moment, then I closed them once again. When they closed for the third time they didn’t reopen and I tumbled into the darkness of peaceful and contented sleep.

Man: Wanted: Chapter Seven - Part Seven

Sangeeta was impressed by my modest culinary skills and we laughed and joked as we worked our way through the prawn cocktail starter and on to the steak in garlic butter I did for the main course with red onion, thick-cut chips, rocket and beetroot. We drank our way through the wine that she had brought and started on some I'd had in, letting the evening drift on in warmth and contentment.

We’d clicked immediately, that first night, but our manner of conversing was maturing beyond that. It was easy and comfortable and the ideas flowed freely. Sangeeta was by far the funniest woman I’d ever known and she liked me slightly risqué sense of humour. We fed off one another, taking it further and further together than we could have on our own.

But there was a slight melancholy to Sangeeta that I noticed from time to time in the slight lulls when I went to fetch more food or drink. I found find her trundling on some rocky path of thought when I returned to the room and when we were a bottle and a half down I broached it with her.

“You told me... things were going bad for you.” I filled her glass. “Do you want to tell me about it?”

The smile fell from her face and I wished I hadn’t raised it, but she said. “I guess. I could.”

“You don’t have to.”

“No. I should tell someone. It’s been scraping away at me since it happened.”

“What did happen?”

Sangeeta interlinked her fingers and looked down at them, knocking her thumbs back and forth. “The manager of the Tower Gates centre came to see me in the shop yesterday. He’s almost as big a tosser as my landlord. No, actually, he might be worse.”

“What did he want?”

“Just to tell me they’re upping the rent on my unit. It’s this recession. Everyone is so desperate they’re trying to bleed everyone else dry. Everyone’s trying to cut costs and increase income and they’re so busy trying to look after themselves that they don’t realise that it doesn’t make sense. It’s unsustainable.”

She shrugged. “But business hasn’t been that great for me. I don’t think I can meet the higher rent; in fact I know I can’t. I told him that much and asked him to make an exception, at least for now; but he was like a brick wall. He said he had a waiting list for my unit and he could set any price; it would be met by somebody.” She smiled wanly. “I told him to go and fuck himself.”

I chuckled despite myself.

“I know,” she said. “Not my finest hour or smartest move. But it did make me feel better for five full minutes after he left. But I haven’t had a single customer since then. Everything I’ve tried to achieve here and it doesn’t mean a thing. It’s all just going to fall to ruin.”

I put my hand on hers and squeezed.

“I may not bother reopening on Monday,” she said. “There doesn’t seem much point.”

“Well... things can turn around. It isn’t over until it’s over.” I considered her options. “You could invest in some marketing. It might seem counter-intuitive but putting money in can bring a lot more money out.”

“I don’t know...” said Sangeeta. “I’m really tired. With everything else that’s been going on – my father coming – I’m not sure I have the will anymore.”

I took her upper arm in my other hand, drawing her closer. She looked at me with eyes brimming over with sorrow and confusion, then I enfolded her in my arms and held her against my chest as she very quietly wept.

We remained that way for a long time, and then finally, Sangeeta sat back upright and said, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” I replied. “That’s what I’m here for. Have shoulder, will cuddle.”

She giggled then wiped at her eye with the heel of her palm. “I bet I look terrible.”

“Are you kidding? You’ve never looked better.”

She beamed her lovely smile the rested her head on my chest again and I wrapped my arms loosely round her waist. I’d put some romantic music on and we stayed that way for a long time, just listening and enjoying the closeness.

We took out wine through to the lounge and snuggled up to one another on the settee, her once again leaning into me. We were both now very tipsy and we wanted nothing more than to lean into one another. For my part, I loved to feel so needed; to able to protect this woman and look after her.

Becoming Geoff had given me innumerable new ways to enjoy life but this one seemed the greatest by far; to just be a man keeping watch over a woman, to care for her and enjoy that perfect affectionate closeness.

Man: Wanted: Chapter Seven - Part Six

When I opened the door it was Sangeeta standing there and she looked lovely. She was wearing a long turquoise strappy evening dress with a black cardigan over the top. Her hair was done up beautifully and she was decked out in make-up and additional jewellery and the part of me that very deep inside was still a woman, recognised that she did forgive the misunderstandings we’d had and would maybe forgive me anything. But the man in me saw the expression on her face and understood that I would still have to pay for it, at least a little.

Her eyes were a little cold; her cheeks taut. “Hi,” she said, and the vocal tone reinforced the look but I caught a shift in her bearing that made me think the frostiness of it had surprised her – that she’d come here planning to pick up where we’d left off. I got the feeling that she’d forgiven me logically but that her emotions hadn’t caught up to that yet.

“Hi,” I replied. “Come on in.”

“I brought some red wine.” She presented the bottle.

“That’s great thanks.” I took it. “You look gorgeous.”

That thawed her a little. “Thanks.”

“I mean it. I don’t think I ever told you this before but you’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen.”

Her smile returned and it was a spectacular thing to see; like a spread of fireworks on a foggy November night. But then she gave a mock frown. “Only one of the most beautiful?”

“Come here,” I said and took her upper arms in my hands, drawing her in to me. We held it there – I guess long enough for me to be sure that she wanted it – then I pressed my lips to hers and wrapped her up in my arms. She put her arms around me urgently and gripped me tightly and the kiss went on, consuming every iota of my consciousness.

Eventually we loosened our clench, slowly releasing one another and broke off, gazing into one another’s eyes, then very suddenly I said, “I love...”

She stared back at me in wonder but I floundered, my analytical brain cluttering up the path where my passionate heart had strode seconds earlier.

“... being with you,” I finished. “It’s really good to see you again.”

Sangeeta smiled plainly and honestly. “Me too.” She stroked my cheek with the backs of her two forefingers. “I feel exactly the same way.”

“I’m sorry... about the mix-up before,” I said. “About what Alison told you.”  

She shrugged but there was a slight rigidness to it as though it wasn’t an easy movement. “It doesn’t matter.”

“No, it does matter,” I said. “It really does. And it won’t happen ag—”

“Don’t,” she whispered, touching my lips. “You don’t have to make any promises; really. I understand. Life isn’t ever straightforward – it’s complicated – and that’s okay. I don’t know what it is in your past that makes you want to keep pulling away – you can tell me when you’re ready, or not; it’s up to you. But we can’t help how we feel. If you’re going to need to pull away again then that’s just how it’s going to be.”

I nodded.

“It doesn’t mean I’ll like it and it doesn’t mean I’ll stick around – I meant what I said on the phone – but I’ll understand. You’ve gotta do what you feel is right and then live with the consequences. You don’t need to make me a promise you aren’t sure that you can keep.”

I lowered my eyes then raised them back to hers. “Okay. You’re right.”

“We just looked at one another for a moment then she smiled again and said. “Now how about this nosh of yours? I’m starving!”

Man: Wanted: Chapter Seven - Part Five

I returned home after popping to Ockham Tesco again for more substantial supplies than the vegecrap I’d bought earlier. Billy was nowhere to be seen, which was a big relief. I parked up and let myself in then took a shower.

Nothing felt out of the ordinary. I’d done this a million times. It felt entirely normal to be naked and a man, to rub soap into my hairy muscular arms and chest; shampoo into my cropped hair. I shaved and spruced myself up as much as possible.

Considering that I’d thrown my women’s clothes away and only a few had appeared that morning, there was only one feminine outfit left in the wardrobe, a very forlorn looking dress. The rest of the space was filled with menswear. I curled my lip at the dress and took it out, holding it up.

It was tiny beside my big frame and looked so flimsy; just silly. I had no memory of wearing it or anything like it and the mere thought of that made me deeply uncomfortable. I went to put it back inside and thought better of it, slipping it off the hanger. There was a wastebasket to my left. I dumped it in there and went back to choosing what I was going to wear, instantly forgetting the frilly outfit.

I put on a pair of black button-up jeans and a navy blue shirt, turning the cuffs back from my wrists. I wanted to make a good impression. I felt bad about the mixed signals I’d been passing Sangeeta. That had to end. I really liked her and it was time she understood that.

I did some groundwork in the kitchen for the meal and set some candles out ready. I emptied the bird food out of the fridge and freezer and dumped it all. I had no intention of eating that crap ever again.

When I’d got to Tesco earlier I'd tried a little more of that hoodoo that had given me the skills to be a fully-functioning workman. I'd said, “I’m a pretty good cook – nothing fancy but more than enough to impress a woman occasionally.”

The moment I'd said it I felt a subtle shift inside my skull and I flicked through a series of new memories of being a decent cook and the shags it had bought me from time to time.

Now in my kitchen, I smiled at the memory, wondering if Sangeeta would be as impressed herself.

I’d bought a good range of ingredients in the store and the end result was going to be great. I got everything ready and then lit the candles, walking through to the hall.

It crossed my mind that Billy could turn up again at any moment but I reminded myself that I was immune to him at the moment. As long as I was Geoff he couldn’t reach me.

But still, I felt a low level anxiety about his return, Geoff or no. He was the only thing that still retained a deep impact regardless of who I was.

And I knew he was going to come back sometime. The only things I didn’t know were when... and why.

There was some fresh mail on the floor that I’d ignored when I came home. I picked it up now and had a quick riffle through. Every envelope was addressed to me, as Geoff.

That cinched it. The longer I kept the ring on, the more reality folded over into a world where Geoff had always been and where Alison didn’t exist. It was horrifying, the idea that I, as a woman, would cease to exist. I guessed people would just forget me as they were now remembering Geoff. Eventually she would be gone entirely and on that day I was pretty sure I would forget her myself.

There was still an odd detachment in me though. I knew I used to be Alison but I have no memory of being her... except for a vague sense of what had happened while I’d been her over the past few days. Everything before I’d put the ring on was blank. And with that in mind, why should I feel bad about this process? I wasn’t actively disintegrating my former life. All I had to do was continue doing nothing; living as Geoff; and the transformation would become complete.

I wondered what would happen after that if I took the ring off. I had a feeling that nothing would happen. That it might even lose its power completely.

Surely I had some panic inside me that this was happening – an insistent scratching – but it was possible to ignore it. All I had to do was spend the evening with Sangeeta – maybe invite her to stay with me all day tomorrow as well so that I didn’t have the opportunity to change back. Surely by tomorrow night I would be stuck like this and I would no longer care. I could just be a happy working man with a beautiful charming girlfriend and a thriving nascent business.

To was this all a terrible mistake? I knew my thinking changed when I wore the ring. I knew it was my man brain choosing this now and that couldn’t be trusted to honour my original persona’s wishes.

I decided to take it off.

Then the doorbell rang and my heart quickened. I checked my watch. Just after seven. It was most likely Sangeeta. But the fear that it could be Billy remained.

I hesitated, looking at the letters with no sign anymore of my female name. This wasn’t a simple change, back and forth; it was a process. Another night in this body might seal my fate forever.

The doorbell went again. I imagined Billy standing there again.

I could only think of two categories of thing he wanted to come here for and both frightened me for different reasons.

But it was scary enough just thinking of Sangeeta being there. It wasn’t going to start off smoothly with her and I wanted it to. I really wanted to see her.

I didn’t make a decision – not as such. I just started toward the door and unlocked it, opening it up. That movement made the decision for me.

For now, and maybe forever, I was Geoff.

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Man: Wanted: Chapter Seven - Part Four

Steve invited me in and we chatted about rugby for half an hour before I got started. Now that I was Geoff again I found it riveting obviously but I was dismayed to realise that relevant sporting facts were rising into my mind as I needed them; data from a lifetime of loving the sport. I had detailed knowledge of games and players stretching back years and found I had a mature knowledge of the intricacies of play as well; the importance of strategy.

He fetched me a beer from the fridge and I reflected on what I was doing – interacting with this bloke exactly as if I had always been a bloke as well. But I was loving it. I loved rugger and it was awesome having a good old chinwag about it. There was a little part of me that was anxious about this, crying out again that it was all going too far; but there was little real urgency to it. I’d gone through this. I’d already wasted my time resisting. As long as I’d made the decision to put the ring on, it was only logical to follow through with the other aspects of that. Why do it if I wasn’t going to enjoy it? Probably I’d take it off again later but why ruin a perfectly good conversation by being overly analytical?

I cracked open the beer Steve brought through then said, “I’d better get on and look at this boiler of yours.”

It didn’t take long to find the problem. Of the possible issues I’d expected it was one of three that would require an extra part. I explained this to Steve, got back in the van and nipped down to Plumbing and Boilers, the trade stockist across town on the Dairystoke industrial estate. It didn’t take me long. Rush hour was still a good way off.

When I got back to Steve’s he left me to it and I got to work. It required me to take the thing down off the wall so it was a fairly big job. I didn’t fuss or worry. Now that I’d developed these new memories it was even easier than it had been with the plastering. Not only did I have the instinctual knowledge; I also had the context. I kept thinking to myself things like, Ah yeah. This is like that job I did for that Arab bloke, or I’ve gotta be careful here or else it’ll crack like it did that time on Christmas Eve.

I knew I should be freaked out; even fearful; but it was all so natural. Although I knew I had really been a woman all my life there were no memories in my head of that to contradict what I was doing and none of my feminine proclivities. I’d been doing this kind of thing all my adult life – my memories told me so.

When I was done I refused the second beer Steve offered and he gave me the cash we’d agreed on. We shook hands and I left, whistling under my breath.

I got back in the van and grinned to myself. I’d really enjoyed that. It was great being so handy and knowledgeable; great doing a good afternoon’s work for some well-earned dosh, and great to get a second job in; to start to build up the word-of-mouth I would need to get my business off the ground.

That part of me was still there, terrified about what was happening to me; telling me that I was losing myself to this; that my entire decision-making ability was being corrupted by these manly desires and memories; that I might not be capable of choosing to go back if I let it run too far along its course.

But to be honest I already felt a bit like that. What man would want to be a woman really? I remembered being with dozens of birds and they were all flighty high-maintenance messes. Pretty enough yeah; but actually being like that myself? I shook my head.

Intellectually I knew that I should respect the wishes of my “true” female self but on the other hand, the memories filling my head now told me exactly which self of mine was true... now. And Billy had known me too. I existed as Geoff as fully right now as I ever had as Alison; more so if anything.

I fired up the engine and considered my options.

Go home and change back into Alison – probably get accosted by Billy...

Or stay out longer. See Sangeeta. Remain a man.

It wasn’t a difficult decision.

I got my phone out and dialled her number.

Sangeeta picked up only after an unusually long time and didn’t speak right away.

“Hey. Sangeeta?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

I sighed, angry at my softer side for causing this mess and wishing I hadn’t put her off earlier; that I’d called her straight back. “I was wondering... Look, Alison told me what she said to you and I don’t think she explained it the right way.”

Silence. Then, “Go on...”

“Can we meet up? I’d rather do this face to face.”

“Over the phone is better for me. I’m not sure how busy I’m going to be later.”

“Okay. Sure.” I gathered my thoughts, wondering if I should just go down there. “Look, I really like... spending time with you Sangeeta. But I guess... I’m not sure I’m ready for...”

“Spit it out.”

I chuckled. “Okay here it is. I really like you and I like being with you. I don’t know where it’s going and I don’t know if I can commit to anything long term, even though I want to. But I don’t care about that. Like you said the other night; I don’t want to worry about it. I just want to see you and see where it goes. Even if it isn’t going anywhere.”

There was a long silence. I ached to fill it but I restrained myself.

“Every time I see you, you pull away Geoff. How do I know you won’t do it again?”

Even though she couldn’t see it, I shrugged. I honestly didn’t know what I was doing long term. I just didn’t want to think about that right now. “Let me cook you dinner tonight,” I said. “Candlelight, wine, chocolate desert: the whole thing.”

“At your place? Will Alison be there?”

“Er... no. Alison will definitely not be here.”

She hesitated again, then said, “Okay Geoff. I can be there by seven. But this is it now. Either it works out or it doesn’t. If you pull away again then we’re done. Is that clear? I’ve got too many bad things in my life right now to have my heart banged up as well.”

I paused for a moment and then I said, “Fair enough.”