Man: Wanted - Chapter Six - Part Five

I called into the big Tesco on Ockham trading estate on the way home, feeling a little down. I walked round half-heartedly, shoving food in my trolley: healthy food, not the red meat extravaganza that was Geoff’s usual fare. Each time I put something new in I felt even more despondent.

I paused with a pack of lentils in my hand, sneering down at the bland little lens-shaped seeds. Then I dutifully shoved them into the trolley and walked on.

I paid at the checkout then loaded up the car and drove out.

Ockham was a big industrial shopping centre with loads of huge big-name shops, a cinema multiplex, a whole bunch of restaurants and a couple of expansive gyms. It ran straight through from the dual carriageway to the upper ring road that cut along the bottom of the south hillside, hugging the edge of Chauncy and Lockwood. Towards the back there was a small industrial estate and I slowed when I saw a sign that said Autoparts. I dropped down to about five miles an hour and signalled right to turn into the estate.

I knew they had a scrap yard at the back. It was possible they had an old Morris Minor I could scrounge some parts for, for when I was doing up my dad’s old—

“God damn it!”

I turned off the indicator and drove on irritably. I’d really been looking forward to that then, but no, it was another part of Geoff’s life that wasn’t open to me. It was just a shadow left by the last change. I wasn’t really interested in doing up old cars and I didn’t want to be.

I went round the roundabout and took the third exit up the hill. Traffic was light at least. The upper ring got horribly snarled during rush hour. They should have built it with two lanes.

Two roundabouts down I made a left into Chauncy and drove up to the centre where the shops and pub were. My road was the steepest off the mini-roundabout there next to the swimming pool. I took it and drove the rest of the way home.

I slammed the van door overloudly and grumped round to the front, glancing briefly across at John and Debbie’s house. Being Saturday, both cars were there, one in the drive and one in the road. Again I had a compulsion to call round; maybe take a four pack of beers with me, but I didn’t. They were Geoff’s friends, not mine.

I banged the front door shut after me instead and dumped my stuff in the hall. I put the frozen food away, flipped the switch on the kettle then slumped into a chair in the lounge.

The list of things needing doing in the house was hanging over me; half finished jobs I’d left incomplete in my masculine days. I tried to put them out of my mind. I folded my arms and crossed my legs. I went to fetch my coffee and came back, burning my tongue on the first sip.

“Shit.”

I didn’t need my life as a man. I wasn’t happier as Geoff. I had been perfectly fine before that ring came into my life.

I burnt my tongue a second time, put the mug down and crossed my arms again. I picked up a magazine then threw it angrily back when I saw it was a sports one I’d bought as Geoff. I went across to the magazine rack and sifted through until I found a copy of Cosmo then sat again, flicking the pages sharply back and back and back and back before I set it next to my coffee mug, none of the articles touched.

What frustrated me most was that I didn’t know why I’d even bought that ring. I didn’t like rings normally. If it was fate or something – if I’d found the ring because I’d been meant to, then what was the point? So I was a loser as myself with no career and no motivation! So what? If there was a lesson to learn then I wasn’t seeing it.

Yes, I had more prospects as Geoff; more friends; a sex life; a career! So what? I wasn’t a man and I didn’t want to be one!

I crossed my legs the other way, went to have another sip of coffee and thought better of it.

I should have let Sangeeta put the ring on. That would have been interesting.

I relaxed a little. That would have been very interesting.

I settled into the armchair, imagining what could have happened. Would she have become a dishy Indian man with jet black hair and gorgeous eyes... or would she have turned into Geoff?

I could picture Geoff quite clearly but of course I’d only ever seen him in the mirror. I tried to alter that image to imagine him here in the room with me now. I closed my eyes to make it easier. I pictured him standing by the window but with Sangeeta inside of him instead of me and right away I got a warm sexual tingling.

Geoff wasn’t like any of the men I’d been with, but since becoming him, my mind had opened to that different kind of man: the practical kind; good with his hands; broad as a barn; huge shoulders and muscular arms; strong hands. I smiled to myself, uncrossing my legs and stroking my inner thigh.

I imagined that Sangeeta had put on the ring and turned into Geoff and he was taking my upper arms in his hands and lowering his face to mine. In the fantasy I kissed him and he folded my entire back within his embrace, raising me onto my toes.

I heard something outside that distracted me; just a car horn blaring, nothing important. I ignored it and sank back into the fantasy.

I was kissing Sangeeta, gripping her tightly in my big manly hands, then I lifted her easily into my arms and carried her up the stairs, looking down into her glittering eyes and smiling face.

I stroked my crotch through the front of my pedal-pushers, letting out a faint moan.

In the fantasy I set Sangeeta on the bed and slowly unbuttoned my shirt, watching her slip the straps of her dress off her shoulders as my erection grew. I undid my jeans and kicked them off then climbed onto the bed and—

“Wait a minute.”

I opened my eyes and sat up, feeling jarred to jump out of the imagined scene so suddenly. I stared off for a minute, realising what I’d done and then got up angrily.

“For God’s sake! I’m sick of this!”

A final flash came of me climbing over Sangeeta’s beautiful form as Geoff and then I gave a brief and frenzied cry of rage.

“Alright! I get the point! Fine!” I charged back through to the hall where I’d left my handbag and picked it up, tipping it upside down on the top of the drawers. The contents went everywhere but I didn’t care. I scrabbled through them until I saw the ring then I grabbed it up.

“I get that I’m pathetic and I don’t have any friends! I get that the only person I’ve been attracted to for months is another woman! If you’re so desperate for me to be a man then here! Your wish is granted!”