Sunday, 24 January 2016

CLEANER II: Chapter Six - Part One

DAHLIA

That last week or so turned out to be three weeks and as the days swept from one to the next almost entirely filled with my various labours, a curious inversion started to occur.

There was a countdown inside me now; two countdowns; one toward returning to seeing Melissa and taking the first step to swap back; the other to race as fast as I could toward a total and final immersion in her body and life.

I knew these were the last few weeks and while that part of me was eager to begin the return to my old body and life, the other me wanted nothing more than to grasp onto this bizarre and dismal life while I still could; to relish the changes I was undergoing and push them even further.

And I did push them. I spent every cent I earned on snack food or fatty drinks. I spent it on cigarettes that I was starting to realise I could no longer live without. During the mealtimes in the hotel I had as many as five or six plates of food now for each meal, troughing on it like a pig; drawing it out long enough to fit more in; sometimes even having a break for an hour before going back to shovel in more. I secreted even further leftovers into a bag and snuck it up to my room, having feasts in the late evening and further snacks throughout the night.

I lay on my back in bed, breathing gutturally, picturing the fat cells growing and binding with my body; imagining the food I was eating being absorbed by my increasingly bloated flesh. I visualised it to encourage it. I willed the fat to enlarge me more and more, to expand my thighs and the rolls of my stomach, the seep into and swell my arms and my chest; to make my face rounder and less like my own; to make my head and neck become one round sagging melon of fat.

I lay there doing this, rubbing myself between my thighs, my vision blurry without the thick glasses on; my dowdy hair splayed on the pillow. I could feel my enormous weight pressing into the mattress; the mass of it like nothing I had ever felt in my life. I wasn’t myself at all anymore. Was I has fat as she had been? Was I almost there? Surely I had to be. Was I, heaven forbid, even fatter than she had been – than the original Melissa?

Maybe.

Maybe.

I didn’t know.

But I felt like I was a huge obese cow of a woman. I was huge. Every sensation and sound I made was affected by it. I was gargantuan.

And as always it filled me with such a tearing confliction of emotions because surely I knew how bad this all was. I knew the damage I was potentially doing – possibly permanently. I knew how crazy I was and how pathetic. But I wanted it still. I thrived on it. I was desperate to wallow deeper and deeper in this terrible life.

The cook continued to mistreat me. He only ever used me for sex now and I could see his increasing disgust and disinterest. It made me feel lonely and depressed but it also thrilled me, because his gradual loathing mirrored my own. It mirrored the way I felt about myself. The way I wanted to feel.

I wanted to be an object of pity and scorn. I wanted to be repulsive to others and myself. And by God I was achieving that goal. I was becoming the woman I had set out to be and no mistake.

During the day I worked diligently at my cleaning duties and in the dining room doing the serving. I knew exactly what I was doing now and had done for some time. It made the work easier, not having to question things or ask for assistance, and it allowed me to keep my head down and be the best worker I could be.

That was all my life was now: working and eating; working and eating. With the occasional dirty fuck thrown in when the cook could be bothered; when he wanted cleaning out.

I felt that any day now he would reject me finally and that that would be okay because it would mean I had finally sunk as low as I wanted. I was finally as pathetic and insignificant as I had set out to be.

The days went by though and that day didn’t come. I continued to eat and push further but I knew that time was running out. The final turning point had to come soon. Surely.

I hadn’t seen Melissa since before that night when Vasillis had made it clear that carnal pleasure was the only facet of our stunted relationship he was interested in. She hadn’t made contact and I had avoided her.

Part of me felt that should we meet again then that final stage would come. I would have to tell her it was time to swap back. Surely she would feel devastated by that. It must have been so nice for her to live my life; to get slim and enjoy my wealth; even just for the summer. I felt awful about taking that away from her. But also I didn’t want to take it all back. I was afraid to. I was terrified to take that step. I didn’t even know if I really wanted to.

Was I happy being so fat? Getting fatter by the day? What was this self-destructive and obsessive motive force that pushed me on?

It seemed like happiness, but it couldn’t have been.

It couldn’t have been.

Each day I blinked at myself through the pebble glasses, staring at my bloated limbs; my round face and flabby belly; the distorted silhouette I had now. Each day I dressed in my shabby, dowdy clothes and hurried downstairs to get on with the cleaning. Each day I asked myself if this was the day now; if the time had finally come when the reflection was complete; that I’d come to the end.

And then one day it did.

I looked at myself.

I was grossly obese. My face was like a distended moon with this great roll of sagging fat distorting my neck. My upper arms was huge and doughy and my forearms were a close match. My breasts were huge and pendulous, resting on the great round mass of my folds of stomach. My rear and thighs stretched out widely, coming down to rounded calves and my still relatively dainty feet.

Surely I was every bit as fat as Melissa had been when this started.

Surely I had reached my goal; had become her in almost every conceivable way.

But that brought on a fresh wave of horror that told me another goal had been reached; that this had to end now, surely. There was no other way.

I had to put a stop to it because where else could this go? What else could happen next now the obsession had brought me here? The answer to that, if I didn’t go back, staggered me with quivers of real fear. If the physical transformation was complete then what truly would come next if I didn’t flee back to my old life... or at least begin to?

I was conflicted. Of course I was conflicted. But something was certain to me suddenly that couldn’t be denied.

I had to go and see Melissa now. I couldn’t wait anymore.

I had to go to see her and see my reflection in her eyes.

I had to hear her reaction to the way I looked now; to hear her judgment on whether I had succeeded or not.

And surely I would tell her it was time to swap back. And reluctantly she would have to agree. We would have to start that process; even though ,for the life of me, I couldn’t conceive of finding a way back to my slenderness and beauty now. This new fat me felt too real. It felt inescapable.

And maybe it was. Maybe I never would find my way back; and that both thrilled and terrified me.

But rather way, I had to see her now. Of course I did. It was long past the time.

I had to go and see  Melissa and bring this entire thing to the conclusion it had surely been edging toward from the beginning. There was a predictable intendity to it that was still riddled with questions. I was afraid to raise the swap back; afraid to see the disappointment and sad acceptance in her eyes.

But also I just didn’t know if I was ready. And I didn’t know if it was what I really wanted.

For the life of me I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. Maybe I never had.





30 comments:

  1. Welcome back. I loved how all the doubts are starting to rise up and am looking forward to when Mellisa tells her of the next step

    Rob

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  2. WORTH THE WAIT!!! Welcome back. Cheers.

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    1. Thanks Dave. I don't want to let you guys down.

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  3. I'm very glad you are feeling well enough to write, that's the important thing.
    The chapter is very well written & also it seems D's madness is bottoming out - maybe. Also, now she's smoking & making herself even less Dahlia. This part puzzles me, I thought she did,n't like smoking & also M didn't & she was trying to become M, fat glasses, clothes. hair, even having her voice & so forth. Intertesting addition.
    You are moving toward a major confrontation obviously.
    Now, I must enconfess as well written as this chapter is I found myself disapointed. Ywo chapter ago M had already made arrangements for flights to Bandkoch & surergy. In The last brilliant chapter M had talked to Tommy & fooled him into thinking she was Dahlia & told him she would be home soon & was going to have Plastic S.
    I was expecting more movement, why the wait? For me we should have already seen the confrontation & M somehow convincing or physicaly forcing poor D into the necessary Surgery. But then after all what do I know?

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    1. I disagree... this chapter was a masterpiece and, you are forgetting, that we are reading over time with expectations of what we 'think' will happen. Just sit back and enjoy :-)

      I loved this chapter, it was full of erotic moments and really sets the scene beautifully for what must follow. I am so pleased to see another chapter of this book, I love reading it so very much!

      Mike W

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    2. Thanks guys.

      As far as the smoking goes, the expanded version of the book will reveal why I put this in. You're now reading on from the expanded outline I've produced for the souped-up version so there may be the odd incongruity like this.

      Regarding the pace, it must seem frustrating to want to leap ahead and reach that climax but ultimately, as this is a novel effectively, not a short story, it's important that certain elements are established first. We now have Dahlia planning to go to Melissa and ask for a swap. That gives us higher tension knowing that Melissa has other plans.

      Anyway, enjoy. I'm hoping now to get back on things but don't hold your breath. I'll do my best to get Lady Ann out next and then we'll go back to alternating chapters.

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  4. Delighted to see another chapter in the life and hard times of Dahlia Western but more delighted that it implies that you are feeling better after your health problems.

    It seems almost that Dahlia is at a point of no return. Without a sympathetic Melissa to help her back to some semblance of normality (and that appears highly unlikely) she won't have the necessary will power to stop eating and lose weight. Giving up smoking is even harder as I know from when I gave up 35 or more years ago.

    Once again, thank you.

    Robyn H

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    1. Yeah. It's going to be mighty interesting to see what happens when our two heroines meet next episode...

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  5. Finally! Great chapter. The tension is almost unbearable. Cant wait to see how you handle the inevitable confrontation.

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    1. I will attempt to handle it with gusto.

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  6. I woke up this morning with a revelation of what is going on inside Emma's evil & twisted mind, no offense! LOL!
    I of course may be wrong, but as an obscure English detective, S. Holmes, might say let us marshall the facts.
    We know M has made contact in Bandcock for surgery & made plane reservations, has told Tommy who thinks she's the real D & said she will be returning home soon M delights in torturing the former D & wants to rub home that M is now her living a wonderful life & is beautiful & D is now the pathetic nothing, despised by all. So why hasn't M wanted to see her the last 3 weeks? Here's my guess. In a slight reversal in her plans M is no longer in Greece! She has had the surgery! Now she looks almost identical to the orginal D & is waitng to heal. Then she will go back to D who is stunned & shocked to see M face Y& body now Dahlia's! Make it a fate accomply that there is no going back & D must accepet her new life, have the surgery & take Meliissa place & life or perhps be abandon pennless in Greece with soon no job or food.
    In re-rading the chapter I've more & more amazed at Emma's skill. Her exporation of D's madness is brilliant.
    Some telling quotea
    But I wanted it still. I thrived on it. I was desperate to wallow deeper and deeper in this terrible life.
    I wanted to be repulsive to others and myself.
    the other to race as fast as I could toward a total and final immersion in her body and life.
    to make my face rounder and less like my own!

    D will be shortly be totally aware of her success! How chilling, soon M's awful life will be her own. I like the smoking it makes D even more lower class & less D's original self than ever & makes her being M even more total somehow.
    I for one can't wait until the polished & complete novel is avaible! Seldom have I looked forward to a book more. I shouldn't have sai this, damn it, as the evil Emma will now raise the price! LOL!

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    1. Interesting idea. My pet theory is that original Dahlia will get into an accident (either competely accidental or with the help of Melissa), which will lead to some damage to her face. Melissa, of course, will be too happy to provide the doctors with her original photos to help her restore "her" looks, as well as pay for the reconstructive procedures from "her" pocket.

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    2. Hmmm...

      We'll see I guess.

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  7. Welcome back, Emma! You've come back with devilish gusto!
    Loved the chapter. I think that Melissa has been up to no good for the three weeks Dahlia has been out of contact, but, we will have to wait and see. The tension is palpable.
    The psychological aspects of this story have me enthralled. It's interesting how Emma is able to delve into the characters' minds as they immerse themselves into another person's life. To Melissa, Dahlia's life is like a drug that she cannot get enough of and will do anything to keep. To Dahlia it seems that Melissa life is a way to build a cocoon to keep her former life and problems at bay and perhaps some self-loathing punishment.

    I think that once Melissa sets foot on English soil as Dahlia Western, all is lost for poor Dahlia unless she has some secrets that are yet to be revealed.

    We must wait for the next episode!

    --Robert

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    1. Yes you must! It won't be too long hopefully.

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  8. that thrill at being disgusting to others always gives me chills. there is something powerfully disturbing about that kind of self loathing. well done Emma. I hope you are well.

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  9. Another thougth has occured to me. Tey've been pretnding to beeach other for many months now, gotten used to their new names. D would not turn now if addressed by her former name &neither would Melissa. LOL They settled in too much to make it almost to return. Would D even reaalize that Dahlia should be her name? Automaticall she now calls the real M 'Miss Western & answers to Melissa - even is used to obeying when M or anyone else calls her Melissa. Its an intertesting aspect of Identity.

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    1. Yeah. I love that aspect of these stories.

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  10. Thank you Emma, hope you getting better and better. I like the tension you created, usually the ending is dark, but maybe you can give an alternative one like the real D use her fingerprint to open a box in bank and eventually beat real and almost successful M... then... everyone is in dark...

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    1. A non dark ending? I'll have to think about that.

      In fact my novels don't always have dark endings. It's the short stories that are more likely to. Anything could happen here.

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    2. No...please not... no happy ending here... It is simply not fair to let Dahlia act out her kinky desires in books 1 and 2 of the trilogy, then let her simply get away with it after finally losing control of the swap. If you are really serious about letting M become the victim of her own ambitions and D riding victorious into the sunset, please at least offer us "dark ending"-lovers an alternative finale (so we can imagine the alternative to be the real thing).
      Please.....!!!! ;-)

      marc

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    3. (Shakes head fondly)

      We'll see.

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    4. I think "dark ending" is everyone can forecast, I don't hate either dark or happy ending. But I like surprise, no matter dark or happy, keep surprise will make novel more attractive.

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  11. I like happy none dark ending though of course dark ones are more dramatic. Though in the case of the cleaner I donn't see much hope for anything but a dark ending, poor foolish Dahlia seems hell bent on destroying & punishing herself & Melissa is all too happy to 'Help' her.

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  12. I'm with Marc...gotta be a dark ending!!!

    --Robert

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    1. Keep wishing. Maybe it will come true.

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  13. I can imagine a finish where it appears the switch will remain in place. Melissa as Dahlia is a more successful hotter model than ever, Dahlia as Melissa is more working class, drunk, smoker, of course fatter and worse eyesight, and wallowing in it...until out of the blue they are exposed and instantly end up on the cover of every tabloid/trash mag. :)

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