CLEANER II: Chapter One - Part Nine

DAHLIA

My new clothes were at the top of the case now, plainly visible, but something about seeing them was making me hesitate. I didn't know what quality that was but it made my arms feel weighty; made the idea of raising them to lift out the garment a forbidding prospect.

Melissa had made her transformation already and she looked so different, like a different person. She didn't look like me – her features were too different and she was far too fat – but the totality of the change had... It had chilled me. I didn't know why it should when this was what I had wanted; what I'd fantasised about; but it did it enough to stop me now and suddenly I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure if I even wanted to go through with it anymore at all.

It was only a costume really – I wasn't going to actually change into a different person – but it felt as though it would be as complete as that. We had agreed to effect a total trade. She would take my name. She would take control of my money. She would treat me as though she were my employer. I would assume her identity, having little to no control over anything. I would give myself to her instruction as though my livelihood depended on it.

With that exchange only one or two minutes away now; so close in time; it seemed like it was an impossibly wide physical gap to cross.

I couldn't do this. Of course. Of course I couldn't. It was ridiculous. What was I thinking?

“Dahlia.” The word came from behind me and was surprisingly resonant; surprisingly tender. Melissa's fingers closed around my upper arm, gently turning me until I was facing her again. Seeing her fabulous new look was as startling now as it was when she put the clothes on. I couldn't believe the change that had come over her. But there was concern in her eyes. She smiled but her eyebrows rose in the middle, her eyes themselves looking pinched. “I know how you must be feeling,” she said.

I didn't reply. I went to but I couldn't think of a word to say that would adequately express how I felt.

“You're thinking about your brother's death, aren't you?” she said.

My eyes went wide, my forehead crinkling again and the hint of tears rising. I hadn't been but hearing her words brought it right back; hurled me into the memory of being at the hospital with Katherine; of realising that there was no... hope... left in my world.

“I wish I could take the pain away,” said Melissa. “You must feel terrible. He loved you so dearly. It must be awful to know that you can never have him back.”

I nodded, the tears coming high enough to blur the edges of my vision but not enough to fall free.

Melissa moved in, putting her arm round my shoulder and taking my opposite arm in her hand, drawing me close. “It's okay,” she said. “It's okay to feel bad when you've lost so much. I'm so sorry. But it's going to be okay.”

I let myself be pressed against her and relaxed my neck, placing my cheek against her warm chest. My hands closed involuntarily, gripping her top tightly, clutching me to her. The tears started to flow, running silently down my cheeks. I didn't make a sound. I didn't sob. They just streaked down as she pressed me tight.

“It's okay,” she said. “It's okay. Everything feels like it's gone wrong – your modelling; your relationship with Katherine – but none of that can hurt you now. Not here. You're away from it all.”

I nodded.

“It's such a rare opportunity that you have here. It's like magic if you think about it.”

I raised my head to look at her and she softly released me.

“We don't have to go through with it... if you don't want to,” she said. “You know that.” She looked at me earnestly. “And if we do go through with it, just for the fun of it, and to give you that total break you wanted from your troubles, then we can always change our minds at any time and swap back again. We can swap back whenever you want.”

I nodded again and I stepped away. Behind me, Melissa said nothing. She didn't make a sound.

I felt terrible suddenly; that same swirl of emotions that had been dogging me was right back at the forefront of my mind where I thought I'd cleansed it from. A headache was threatening. I wanted to lie down. I wanted to sleep; to curl up and close out the world.

“It's okay to do this you know,” said Melissa. “Whatever you need to do to get through the rough times – it's okay.” She paused then she gave a little laugh. “And just imagine how amazing it could be; like becoming a character in a play; turning into somebody else. Just look at me; it's happened already!”

I did look at her and she had such mirth and compassion in her face. I smiled back at her, my tears slowing and then stopping. It all seemed so simple when she explained it; so elegant.

“I'm so glad I've got you Melissa,” I said. “Somebody who understands; no matter how crazy I might get.”

“You aren't crazy. There's nothing wrong with what we're doing. Ordinary people would give their eye teeth to get an opportunity like this. I for one can't wait.”

“You're right,” I said. “We've come so far already, we'd be stupid to stop now. We have to go on. And like you said...”

“We can swap back whenever you like. You just have to give the word.”

“Okay,” I said. “No more worries. No doubts. Let's do this. Right now.”

She grinned. “Your costume awaits. All you have to do is put it on and you can become a different person.”

I looked across at the case, pushed aside one last shiver of trepidation, then strode purposefully toward it.