24 Hours

Well all the work is done and Criminal Record will be published twenty four hours from now!

I am very excited.

But meanwhile, let me share more (slightly dodgy) hilarity from the world of Lynch Heinouson...

Mr Tovarich & The Caning 

Meanwhile, in the slum that Hell Hag and Lynch loved to call home, at another, altogether seedier school, Mr Tovarich, headmaster, asked his secretary to have young Master Heinouson sent to his office.

Mr Tovarich was not a traditional old-fashioned headmaster, wearing cloak and mortar-board. He didn’t follow outmoded methods of discipline and always tried to keep up with the latest developments in national teaching methods. This didn’t mean that he always liked it. He had a long history of teaching, going back almost into the nineteenth century and that produced something of a traditional, if forward-thinking heart.

The cane for example. Now the eighties were here there was talk of stopping using it as a mode of punishment within schools altogether. Living by his code, Mr Tovarich would obviously go along with whatever ruling was made but he felt sorry about that particular change. There was nothing like the twang a cane made when it came into contact with the shiny orbs of a schoolboy’s arse.

Hot diggedy damn, he did love that twang and those little plump arses.

As Lynch’s knock came at the door he was running his closed fist up and down the shaft of his cane while cupping the bottom of it in his other hand, thinking about that lovely twang.

“Mr Tovarich?” Lynch stood in the doorway, the cuts on his almost bald head fully scabbed over as tufty hair started to sprout back through.

“Ah yes, Master Heinouson! Come in. Come in. Take a seat.”

Lynch did as he was told, his grey eyes never looking away from Mr Tovarich’s face, never once blinking.

“It’s come to my attention that your behaviour has left something to be desired of late,” said Tovarich. “I’m most displeased. Most displeased.”

Lynch listened with the air of a predatory bird, circling overhead, preparing to decapitate a small rodent.

“Several boys have disappeared from school. No one knows where they are and the huge puddle of blood we found near the school gates suggests that there may have been some foul play.”

Lynch continued to listen politely. Mr Tovarich cleared his throat.

“What I want to know,” he began.

Lynch stared at him. He still hadn’t blinked. Mr Tovarich had never seen him blink.

“What I want to know is why... why you can’t act like a normal student, taking drugs and getting girls pregnant behind the bike sheds! I don’t know what kind of upbringing you had but while you’re in this school you will follow the honour code that we have established. Rule number one: Students shall not murder their classmates! Rule number two: If a murder has been committed, students shall not dispose of the bodies using items from the woodwork room! Rule number three: If glue is to be sniffed or other harder drugs to be taken, this should at least be out of sight of teachers! Rule number four: Homework should always be handed in on time! And so on!”

Mr Tovarich circled back round to between his desk and the window. He placed the cane down on the desk, fingering it for just a second longer, thinking about that twang, visualising the twin orbs of the last schoolboy’s arse that he’d struck. Then he cleared his throat again and turned to face Lynch.

“This most heinous crime,” said Mr Tovarich, “no pun intended. This most heinous crime has been committed and I might still have been able to overlook it. But your grades have been slipping as well! What have you got to say for yourself?”

“Er... sorry?”

Tovarich spluttered. “Do you really think that a simple apology will vindicate you?”

“What if I say I’m really sorry?”

“You obviously show no real remorse Master Heinouson. I am left with no alternative but to suspend you with immediate effect.”

“Great!”

“What?”

“It’ll be nice to have couple of weeks off from school.”

The old headmaster spluttered. You think that’s too lax? Alright then. You’re expelled!”

“Even better,” said Lynch. “No more school ever again.”

Tovarich snatched the cane up off his desk. “You seem to underestimate the seriousness of your crime my lad and while it is still approved by the school board as a reasonable disciplinary measure, you are going to feel the full force of corporal punishment.”

“Corporal punishment?”

“Yes.”

“But my mum said only she was allowed to do that to me.”

“Let’s see those buttocks!” cried Tovarich, grabbing Lynch and pulling down his trousers. For a reed of a man he was surprisingly robust and such was Lynch’s surprise that he offered no resistance.

Standing over Lynch’s exposed rear, Mr Tovarich felt a sudden swelling of his anticipation (read cock).

The cane cracked down on Lynch’s buttocks but the little boy, still only eight years old, didn’t let out a cry.

Tovarich raised the cane back to strike again and Lynch turned his head up to look at the man with his cold grey eyes.

Despite the enormous erection he had that was largely clouding his thinking, Mr Tovarich blanched.

“Do that again,” muttered Lynch, “and I’ll kill you. Then I’ll chop you into little pieces with the ruler on your desk. Then I’ll burn down the whole school.”

For a moment Mr Tovarich hesitated, then he looked down at Lynch’s little pink arse cheeks and couldn’t hold himself back any longer. There was nothing worse than getting all excited then being told the other person wasn’t in the mood.

The cane flew down toward Lynch’s bottom. Then a hand shot up and caught it in mid-twang.

Teacher and pupil locked eyes. Then Lynch smiled.

It was only a happy coincidence that this situation led to Lynch’s first ever mass murder.

He had meant what he said about burning down the school but had not planned to do so with people inside it. However, as he was thrusting the blood-soaked cane up Mr Tovarich’s rectum for the eighth time, the headmaster’s bunch of keys fell from his pocket.

It was kind of tragic. Lynch would have been the hero of every child in that school... had they not all died screaming, locked inside the building.